.acceptance.

it’s getting easier
yet on the floor
at the end of the bed
i find myself still
hugging my knees
asking for a different reality

the truth is
i will not get a response
to all the things
i wanted to say
and though they come out
when i listen to songs
i’m sure you would have loved
i don’t hear a sound

i never thought of you as malicious
but selfish is a word that i have used
as action after action
spoke louder
than the voice
on the other end of the line
you were never there (and to be honest, that’s fine)
you are always with me now

safe places, safe spaces

Yesterday I added some photos that I have taken over the last few years.  I chose to separate them into four categories: beauty, adventure, passion, and safety.  They could all very well fall into the beauty category in my eyes, but the ones that did end up there are of moments where there was so much beauty right in front of me that I just had to capture it.  They are of the sky, the clouds, the trees, the moon, the water…the natural beauties of the world.  Those in the adventure category are from moments when I went out and explored the world around me.  Most are from high above, where I felt free of worry and full of happiness and pride.  One is from below, looking up.  Everyone should know right here right now that I have a deep love for bridges.  They are intricate and beautiful and strong.  They connect us and take us from one place to another.  The photos included in the passion category are those that I have taken of different albums that I own.  Some are cds that are now well-worn from many days spent in the car.  One of my favorite places to experience music.  Probably because I can sing along loudly.  Some are of vinyls, my greatest obsession.  My collection is constantly growing.  There’s simply an abundance of music out there that takes my breath away.  I like to have the physical copies, and the vinyls start to feel like friends, which is comforting.  Don’t worry, I don’t talk to them…much.

Lastly, those in the category of safety are some of my favorites.  These photos belong to moments in which I have felt safe and secure, surrounded by my home, things that bring me joy, or people that I love.  My bedroom is the place where I feel most safe.  It is shared with my twin sister, and it overlooks the lake.  You can see the mountains in the distance; it’s beautiful.  The sun shines in with gorgeous, striking rays each morning.  The moon stretches across the room with bright beams each night. Everything about this place makes me feel content…and safe.  Some safe places outside of my home include the lake, and coffee shops.  There are also a few people in my life that make any place feel safe.  That’s why I love to be around them.  It’s the kind of feeling that I try to put out into the world myself. I always want those around me to feel safe and free and happy.

One last safe place, or safe space, exists online.  This space is tumblr.  I have had an account for quite a few years now, and it started as something fun to do, a way to distract myself.  Over time, it has become a place where I can express myself and share things that I might not share anywhere else.  Most of what I do on the site is reblog photos or posts that someone I have never met has taken or written, but it often feels like I know them.  I am continuously connected to the ideas and the feelings shared there.  Among the posts that catch my eye are those of art, and inspiration, and love.  It’s a beautiful place.  A safe place.  If you are at all interested, head over to my tumblr and see what I’m on about.  I hope you’ll find some peace with me there, as well as here.

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love,

ilekso

.guilt.

a fraction of a second
is already enough
is already too much
i wish the thoughts
would run away
as i attempt to drive them out
but they don’t
they stay
and i’m supposed to take comfort
in the fact
that your suffering is complete
that you always loved me
that i have your eyes
but now your work…
is mine

.feeling.

there’s this feeling i get
when i look at the sun
or the moon
the mountains across the lake
the light on your face
there’s this feeling i get
when i share something about myself
or know that i am understood
accomplish something great
hear you say my name
each moment is different
yet somehow
the same
i have a lot of feelings
because i feel everything