I had a really tough time last night. I was struggling to find meaning in what I have been doing day to day for the last few months, and I broke down. A release of emotions tends to help, but truthfully, I was hoping to feel better than I do today. I have this incredible goal I am working towards, and yet I question myself every step of the way. I think I get between myself and my own happiness more than I should. I’ve realized that it’s not just one thing or one goal that will make me happy. It’s living a life of purpose, one that contains new experiences and fulfillment every day. In the midst of my emotional release last night, I was thinking about how what I truly want to do is to travel the world. To get to know different people and places well, and to absorb the beauty that they have to offer. I am hoping that by pursuing this goal of teaching, I can get myself to a place where I am financially stable and can travel more often. I can’t say with certainty that this would even be a “fix”. I just hope that it allows me to feel more connected to others and to life. It helps to remind myself that these challenging times are temporary and that I can, and will, get through them. Looking forward to more beautiful, meaningful experiences this year.
I’ve been lacking inspiration as of late. I consume information and ideas from the adults and children that I work with, from the shows I’m watching, from the social media platforms that I visit. I’m overwhelmed and it’s affecting my wellbeing. At the beginning of the month, my sister and I moved into a new apartment. I love it here and it’s everything I’ve been wanting for a long time. But for many reasons, some of which I can pinpoint and others I cannot, it’s not enough. Having more space, having things to own, these do not bring you happiness. They do not bring contentment or excitement or peace of mind. With moving has come a lot of resurfaced anxiety. I am slowly settling in and figuring out what I want to add to each day in order to relax and get to a good headspace again. The summer is such a beautiful season, and I am missing a lot of it to sit inside and find ways to distract myself. This post serves as a reminder to myself to get out there and enjoy my life. It can be easy to forget that you only get one. I will never be this young again. I want to seize every opportunity to be alive. I plan to recenter and rebuild a sense of wonderment inside. I will be inspired again.
Yesterday I added some photos that I have taken over the last few years. I chose to separate them into four categories: beauty, adventure, passion, and safety. They could all very well fall into the beauty category in my eyes, but the ones that did end up there are of moments where there was so much beauty right in front of me that I just had to capture it. They are of the sky, the clouds, the trees, the moon, the water…the natural beauties of the world. Those in the adventure category are from moments when I went out and explored the world around me. Most are from high above, where I felt free of worry and full of happiness and pride. One is from below, looking up. Everyone should know right here right now that I have a deep love for bridges. They are intricate and beautiful and strong. They connect us and take us from one place to another. The photos included in the passion category are those that I have taken of different albums that I own. Some are cds that are now well-worn from many days spent in the car. One of my favorite places to experience music. Probably because I can sing along loudly. Some are of vinyls, my greatest obsession. My collection is constantly growing. There’s simply an abundance of music out there that takes my breath away. I like to have the physical copies, and the vinyls start to feel like friends, which is comforting. Don’t worry, I don’t talk to them…much.
Lastly, those in the category of safety are some of my favorites. These photos belong to moments in which I have felt safe and secure, surrounded by my home, things that bring me joy, or people that I love. My bedroom is the place where I feel most safe. It is shared with my twin sister, and it overlooks the lake. You can see the mountains in the distance; it’s beautiful. The sun shines in with gorgeous, striking rays each morning. The moon stretches across the room with bright beams each night. Everything about this place makes me feel content…and safe. Some safe places outside of my home include the lake, and coffee shops. There are also a few people in my life that make any place feel safe. That’s why I love to be around them. It’s the kind of feeling that I try to put out into the world myself. I always want those around me to feel safe and free and happy.
One last safe place, or safe space, exists online. This space is tumblr. I have had an account for quite a few years now, and it started as something fun to do, a way to distract myself. Over time, it has become a place where I can express myself and share things that I might not share anywhere else. Most of what I do on the site is reblog photos or posts that someone I have never met has taken or written, but it often feels like I know them. I am continuously connected to the ideas and the feelings shared there. Among the posts that catch my eye are those of art, and inspiration, and love. It’s a beautiful place. A safe place. If you are at all interested, head over to my tumblr and see what I’m on about. I hope you’ll find some peace with me there, as well as here.