I had a really tough time last night. I was struggling to find meaning in what I have been doing day to day for the last few months, and I broke down. A release of emotions tends to help, but truthfully, I was hoping to feel better than I do today. I have this incredible goal I am working towards, and yet I question myself every step of the way. I think I get between myself and my own happiness more than I should. I’ve realized that it’s not just one thing or one goal that will make me happy. It’s living a life of purpose, one that contains new experiences and fulfillment every day. In the midst of my emotional release last night, I was thinking about how what I truly want to do is to travel the world. To get to know different people and places well, and to absorb the beauty that they have to offer. I am hoping that by pursuing this goal of teaching, I can get myself to a place where I am financially stable and can travel more often. I can’t say with certainty that this would even be a “fix”. I just hope that it allows me to feel more connected to others and to life. It helps to remind myself that these challenging times are temporary and that I can, and will, get through them. Looking forward to more beautiful, meaningful experiences this year.
I seem to have forgotten that I created a blog section of this website to empty the contents of my mind each day and share my experience. To have something to look back on, for reflection and for growth. Since my last post in July, I feel I am doing a lot better mentally. I will always have difficult days. Days where I am less motivated, more tired and anxious, where I am worrying about my future, wondering if I’ve made any mistakes. I will also have days filled with happiness and light and love. Winter is an interesting season for me. I usually have less to look forward to as I’m typically tired and lacking energy. This year, though, it feels different. I’ve made a big decision and though I am worried as usual that maybe it’s not the right path, I am excited to pursue something new. I begin taking classes online through my local community college on Tuesday! I need to earn 27 math credits to add to the 3 that I already have so that I can become endorsed to teach secondary math! Through my work as a paraeducator, I have really fallen in love with the concepts and how it feels to help a student through a problem. I like finding shortcuts or specified tricks for solving for a particular student. Everyone is different and my goal is to teach to every student. To find ways to incorporate something into each lesson that appeals to each student as an individual. I don’t need them to leave my class loving math. I just want them to leave my class not hating it. I have difficulty committing to big decisions like this, as I have so many passions and I don’t want to end up putting in a lot of time and money if I don’t have to. I have put a lot of thought into this decision, though, and it feels good. I enjoy math, I’m good at teaching it, and I am ready for a new challenge. Influencing the lives of high school students is also incredibly rewarding. They look up to me and see me as a person, because I have chosen to see them as people too. I have way too many thoughts on this topic for one post, so I will leave it here for now: all anyone wants is to be seen and to be heard. Whether or not a person chooses to make some sort of greater, impactful mark on the world or not, they do desire these things. One of my purposes in this world will always be to help others be seen and heard, to help them realize that they are important and worthy of the life they wish to have. I am eager to begin this new chapter of my life. I can’t wait to see what it holds.
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I’ve been lacking inspiration as of late. I consume information and ideas from the adults and children that I work with, from the shows I’m watching, from the social media platforms that I visit. I’m overwhelmed and it’s affecting my wellbeing. At the beginning of the month, my sister and I moved into a new apartment. I love it here and it’s everything I’ve been wanting for a long time. But for many reasons, some of which I can pinpoint and others I cannot, it’s not enough. Having more space, having things to own, these do not bring you happiness. They do not bring contentment or excitement or peace of mind. With moving has come a lot of resurfaced anxiety. I am slowly settling in and figuring out what I want to add to each day in order to relax and get to a good headspace again. The summer is such a beautiful season, and I am missing a lot of it to sit inside and find ways to distract myself. This post serves as a reminder to myself to get out there and enjoy my life. It can be easy to forget that you only get one. I will never be this young again. I want to seize every opportunity to be alive. I plan to recenter and rebuild a sense of wonderment inside. I will be inspired again.
Mindset. Is. Everything.
Why is it so difficult to remember this? There are many moments where I have to actively make myself slow down, take a step back, and look at a situation from a larger perspective. I have a habit of taking things personally. Too personally. I don’t consider myself a self-centered person, so why do I always assume everything is about me? I let the words or the bad mood of another reflect on who I am. I let others influence how I feel about myself.
I want to start going into every situation with the mindset that whatever that other person has to say is a reflection on their own perspective and feelings about themselves. It likely has nothing to do with me.
I want to remember that I can choose my own mindset, and that that choice has the power to alter every aspect of the situation. If I wake up each day, choosing to be happy and strong and inspired, then I will be. In everything that I do, in everything that I say, in everything that I perceive.
I want this new year to be about taking control of things, starting with my mind.
Yesterday I added some photos that I have taken over the last few years. I chose to separate them into four categories: beauty, adventure, passion, and safety. They could all very well fall into the beauty category in my eyes, but the ones that did end up there are of moments where there was so much beauty right in front of me that I just had to capture it. They are of the sky, the clouds, the trees, the moon, the water…the natural beauties of the world. Those in the adventure category are from moments when I went out and explored the world around me. Most are from high above, where I felt free of worry and full of happiness and pride. One is from below, looking up. Everyone should know right here right now that I have a deep love for bridges. They are intricate and beautiful and strong. They connect us and take us from one place to another. The photos included in the passion category are those that I have taken of different albums that I own. Some are cds that are now well-worn from many days spent in the car. One of my favorite places to experience music. Probably because I can sing along loudly. Some are of vinyls, my greatest obsession. My collection is constantly growing. There’s simply an abundance of music out there that takes my breath away. I like to have the physical copies, and the vinyls start to feel like friends, which is comforting. Don’t worry, I don’t talk to them…much.
Lastly, those in the category of safety are some of my favorites. These photos belong to moments in which I have felt safe and secure, surrounded by my home, things that bring me joy, or people that I love. My bedroom is the place where I feel most safe. It is shared with my twin sister, and it overlooks the lake. You can see the mountains in the distance; it’s beautiful. The sun shines in with gorgeous, striking rays each morning. The moon stretches across the room with bright beams each night. Everything about this place makes me feel content…and safe. Some safe places outside of my home include the lake, and coffee shops. There are also a few people in my life that make any place feel safe. That’s why I love to be around them. It’s the kind of feeling that I try to put out into the world myself. I always want those around me to feel safe and free and happy.
One last safe place, or safe space, exists online. This space is tumblr. I have had an account for quite a few years now, and it started as something fun to do, a way to distract myself. Over time, it has become a place where I can express myself and share things that I might not share anywhere else. Most of what I do on the site is reblog photos or posts that someone I have never met has taken or written, but it often feels like I know them. I am continuously connected to the ideas and the feelings shared there. Among the posts that catch my eye are those of art, and inspiration, and love. It’s a beautiful place. A safe place. If you are at all interested, head over to my tumblr and see what I’m on about. I hope you’ll find some peace with me there, as well as here.
I’ve decided to make my blog posts a little bit more like journal entries, without a whole lot of purpose, aside from keeping my thoughts in one place. I’m currently listening to Lovely Little Lonely by The Maine, on vinyl. It’s such a damn good album. If you’re reading this, go listen to it. I’m thinking about how a lot of things are up in the air for me, once again, but I’m trying to stay focused and control the little things in my daily life. I am getting myself back on track in terms of diet and exercise, and it feels great so far. Usually, when I’m feeling a lack of control, I revert to my old habits of binge watching shows and doing anything I can to distract myself from my current reality. I still love watching shows (How To Get Away With Murder intrigues me) but I’m doing so in a manner that is more monitored. I am paying attention to everything around me as much as I can, and trying to become more present. I have put a focus on this in the past, but I’m hoping to really keep it going this time. I’m determined to get where I want to be, and am excited to embrace the journey. I’m lucky to be alive. This may all end up being meaningless in the end, but that doesn’t mean we can’t create meaningful experiences and relationships while we’re here.
It’s been a few days since I shared my first post, along with the poems that I have written thus far. In the first 24 hours, I had about 30 visitors and over 100 views, which was way more than I anticipated. I thought maybe one or two would stumble onto my site from the tags on my poems and that I would have a few more views from friends that I chose to share this creation with. I am so excited to begin this journey and I am challenging myself to post once a day. Knowing myself, I will likely fail this challenge almost immediately, but I would like to share my thoughts regularly in order to keep track of things and have something to reflect on in the future. I would like to officially welcome you to my world, and thank you for taking the time read any words that are shared here.
Hello there, everyone. I realize this post is likely not going to be seen by anyone, let alone ‘everyone’. This is quite alright with me. It’s all more for myself right now. I need a place to lay things out, to remember. I decided to start this blog so that anyone out there who wanders by can get to know me. I’m not too sure what I’m looking to get out of this; I guess I’m just hoping to put myself out there, drag back down to earth a few thoughts from the storms in my head, and have those thoughts resonate with others.
In this initial post, I would like to give you a little summary of who I am. It seems a nearly impossible feat at times, but I think it may hopefully help you stick around in my little world. Firstly, and most importantly, I am a lover. I love everything, unless I decide that I hate it. I love wholly and deeply and I get along best with those who do the same. One of the things I love most is music. It lifts me up when I am feeling down, and lets me sink into it when I need a place to land. The people that make the music that flows through me each day are usually just as messed up as I am, and unsurprisingly, I love that too. I believe that my purpose in this life is to spread joy, and love, and positivity. I believe I am meant to create a safe space for others to express themselves and to love as passionately as I do. I want to help others realize what is out there for them and what they can do with the life they are given. As humans, we have become distracted by many things, often beautiful and exciting things, but because they are ultimately distractions, we have work to do if we are going to decide to travel down the path of a good life, a meaningful life, a happy life.
Many of my posts on this blog will likely be about moments in my day where I feel free and content, sprinkled with moments that are a little less full of light. If you happen to stumble into my world, I hope that you will decide to stay. If anything that you have read strikes a match within you or makes you feel like you are floating, then please reach out to me so that I know I’m not alone, and so that I can reassure you of the same.