I seem to have forgotten that I created a blog section of this website to empty the contents of my mind each day and share my experience. To have something to look back on, for reflection and for growth. Since my last post in July, I feel I am doing a lot better mentally. I will always have difficult days. Days where I am less motivated, more tired and anxious, where I am worrying about my future, wondering if I’ve made any mistakes. I will also have days filled with happiness and light and love. Winter is an interesting season for me. I usually have less to look forward to as I’m typically tired and lacking energy. This year, though, it feels different. I’ve made a big decision and though I am worried as usual that maybe it’s not the right path, I am excited to pursue something new. I begin taking classes online through my local community college on Tuesday! I need to earn 27 math credits to add to the 3 that I already have so that I can become endorsed to teach secondary math! Through my work as a paraeducator, I have really fallen in love with the concepts and how it feels to help a student through a problem. I like finding shortcuts or specified tricks for solving for a particular student. Everyone is different and my goal is to teach to every student. To find ways to incorporate something into each lesson that appeals to each student as an individual. I don’t need them to leave my class loving math. I just want them to leave my class not hating it. I have difficulty committing to big decisions like this, as I have so many passions and I don’t want to end up putting in a lot of time and money if I don’t have to. I have put a lot of thought into this decision, though, and it feels good. I enjoy math, I’m good at teaching it, and I am ready for a new challenge. Influencing the lives of high school students is also incredibly rewarding. They look up to me and see me as a person, because I have chosen to see them as people too. I have way too many thoughts on this topic for one post, so I will leave it here for now: all anyone wants is to be seen and to be heard. Whether or not a person chooses to make some sort of greater, impactful mark on the world or not, they do desire these things. One of my purposes in this world will always be to help others be seen and heard, to help them realize that they are important and worthy of the life they wish to have. I am eager to begin this new chapter of my life. I can’t wait to see what it holds.
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I’ve been lacking inspiration as of late. I consume information and ideas from the adults and children that I work with, from the shows I’m watching, from the social media platforms that I visit. I’m overwhelmed and it’s affecting my wellbeing. At the beginning of the month, my sister and I moved into a new apartment. I love it here and it’s everything I’ve been wanting for a long time. But for many reasons, some of which I can pinpoint and others I cannot, it’s not enough. Having more space, having things to own, these do not bring you happiness. They do not bring contentment or excitement or peace of mind. With moving has come a lot of resurfaced anxiety. I am slowly settling in and figuring out what I want to add to each day in order to relax and get to a good headspace again. The summer is such a beautiful season, and I am missing a lot of it to sit inside and find ways to distract myself. This post serves as a reminder to myself to get out there and enjoy my life. It can be easy to forget that you only get one. I will never be this young again. I want to seize every opportunity to be alive. I plan to recenter and rebuild a sense of wonderment inside. I will be inspired again.
it’s getting easier
yet on the floor
at the end of the bed
i find myself still
hugging my knees
asking for a different reality
the truth is
i will not get a response
to all the things
i wanted to say
and though they come out
when i listen to songs
i’m sure you would have loved
i don’t hear a sound
i never thought of you as malicious
but selfish is a word that i have used
as action after action
than the voice
on the other end of the line
you were never there (and to be honest, that’s fine)
you are always with me now
Mindset. Is. Everything.
Why is it so difficult to remember this? There are many moments where I have to actively make myself slow down, take a step back, and look at a situation from a larger perspective. I have a habit of taking things personally. Too personally. I don’t consider myself a self-centered person, so why do I always assume everything is about me? I let the words or the bad mood of another reflect on who I am. I let others influence how I feel about myself.
I want to start going into every situation with the mindset that whatever that other person has to say is a reflection on their own perspective and feelings about themselves. It likely has nothing to do with me.
I want to remember that I can choose my own mindset, and that that choice has the power to alter every aspect of the situation. If I wake up each day, choosing to be happy and strong and inspired, then I will be. In everything that I do, in everything that I say, in everything that I perceive.
I want this new year to be about taking control of things, starting with my mind.